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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:

‘Winnie-The-Pooh’ Turns 90

Winnie-The-Pooh, the A.A. Milne series featuring a stuffed bear and his toy animal friends, debuted 90 years ago this week. Here are some milestones from the franchise’s nearly century-long run:
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Karl Malden Dead

Actor Karl Malden, known for his work in A Streetcar Named Desire and The Streets Of San Francisco, died at 97. What do you think?
  • "At least his soul is in heaven now, most likely being overshadowed by the soul of Marlon Brando."

    Derek Gottfried Brake Adjuster
  • "Is he the one driving the streetcar? Great performance."

    Karen Wolff Field Director
  • "Heard the news on the Today show. By the way, why does Meredith Vieira wear five-inch-tall fuck-me heels at 7:15 in the morning?"

    Irving Pettersen Systems Analyst

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