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Karzai Rival Pulls Out Of Race

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Karzai Rival Pulls Out Of Race

Afghan presidential contender Abdullah Abdullah withdrew his candidacy six days before a scheduled runoff election, calling into question the legitimacy of Hamid Karzai's government. What do you think?
  • "The election was corrupt to its very core. There was not a single warlord on the ballot."

    Greg Dwyer Lumber Piler
  • "Wait, he backed out? And here I've still got all these 'Abdullah Abdullah '09' signs up in my yard like a jackass."

    Molli Simpson Medical Parasitologist
  • "He'll be fine. It's only a matter of time till someone offers him a sweet 10-goat book deal."

    Ed Finkler Jig Grinder

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