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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Karzai Thanks U.S. Taxpayers For Covering Cost Of War

In an address given during the NATO summit in Chicago, Afghan president Hamid Karzai thanked the people of the United States for bearing the cost of the war. What do you think?

  • "No problem, pal!"

    Steve Redford Systems Analyst
  • "Ha-ha, joke's on that guy! We haven't paid a cent for that war yet."

    Susannah Wagner Marine Oiler
  • "That’s nice and all, but would it have killed him to send along a nice opium basket?"

    Rich Quigley Utility Operator
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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