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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Karzai Thanks U.S. Taxpayers For Covering Cost Of War

In an address given during the NATO summit in Chicago, Afghan president Hamid Karzai thanked the people of the United States for bearing the cost of the war. What do you think?

  • "No problem, pal!"

    Steve Redford Systems Analyst
  • "Ha-ha, joke's on that guy! We haven't paid a cent for that war yet."

    Susannah Wagner Marine Oiler
  • "That’s nice and all, but would it have killed him to send along a nice opium basket?"

    Rich Quigley Utility Operator

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