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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Katie Couric Talk Show Dominates Ratings

Katie Couric’s new talk show, Katie, earned far higher ratings this week than the debuts of competing programs hosted by Ricki Lake, Jeff Probst, and Steve Harvey, becoming the most watched daytime premiere since Dr. Phil first aired 10 years ago. What do you think?

  • “These numbers must be fake. There’s no way she beat all three of those juggernauts.”

    Beverly Charmatz Harp Repairer
  • “What kind of soulless television executives would even schedule competing programs against America’s sweetheart?”

    Shane Nicastro Coffee Roaster
  • “That was a savvy move of hers to be an attractive, charismatic woman.”

    Pierre Moriceau Logging Superintendent

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