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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Katie Couric Talk Show Dominates Ratings

Katie Couric’s new talk show, Katie, earned far higher ratings this week than the debuts of competing programs hosted by Ricki Lake, Jeff Probst, and Steve Harvey, becoming the most watched daytime premiere since Dr. Phil first aired 10 years ago. What do you think?

  • “These numbers must be fake. There’s no way she beat all three of those juggernauts.”

    Beverly Charmatz Harp Repairer
  • “What kind of soulless television executives would even schedule competing programs against America’s sweetheart?”

    Shane Nicastro Coffee Roaster
  • “That was a savvy move of hers to be an attractive, charismatic woman.”

    Pierre Moriceau Logging Superintendent

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