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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Keith Richards Writing Children’s Book

Keith Richards has announced that he is co-authoring a new children’s book called Gus & Me: The Story of My Granddad and My First Guitar, which will recount the Rolling Stones guitarist’s first music lessons with his grandfather. What do you think?

  • “That’s great! My 6-year-old loves the Stones.”

    Carl Lackey Elevator Inspector
  • “All my favorite books are about musicians practicing.”

    Jonathan Hart Unemployed
  • “I’m only interested if he slams Mick.”

    Mary Litman Pants Designer

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