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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Keith Richards Writing Children’s Book

Keith Richards has announced that he is co-authoring a new children’s book called Gus & Me: The Story of My Granddad and My First Guitar, which will recount the Rolling Stones guitarist’s first music lessons with his grandfather. What do you think?

  • “That’s great! My 6-year-old loves the Stones.”

    Carl Lackey Elevator Inspector
  • “All my favorite books are about musicians practicing.”

    Jonathan Hart Unemployed
  • “I’m only interested if he slams Mick.”

    Mary Litman Pants Designer

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