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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Kellogg Cereal Inflates Health Claims

The Federal Trade Commission is taking issue with Kellogg's assertion that its Rice Krispies cereal helps support children's immune systems. What do you think?

  • "Poppycock! I have it on good authority that Dr. Kellogg's Crisped Rice cereal is sure to boost vitality and ward off languidity of all forms."

    Dan Ratter Financial Advisor
  • "Why is the government always in our business? Can't they just let us have our edible cure-alls?"

    Pam Stone Attorney
  • "So I should start taking my kids to the doctor?"

    Steve Alvarez Construction Worker

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