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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Kellogg Cereal Inflates Health Claims

The Federal Trade Commission is taking issue with Kellogg's assertion that its Rice Krispies cereal helps support children's immune systems. What do you think?

  • "Poppycock! I have it on good authority that Dr. Kellogg's Crisped Rice cereal is sure to boost vitality and ward off languidity of all forms."

    Dan Ratter Financial Advisor
  • "Why is the government always in our business? Can't they just let us have our edible cure-alls?"

    Pam Stone Attorney
  • "So I should start taking my kids to the doctor?"

    Steve Alvarez Construction Worker
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