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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Kennedy Re-Enters Rehab

After a 3:00 AM car accident in downtown Washington, DC, representative Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) returned to a rehab clinic in Minnesota for treatment. What do you think?
  • "I blame his rehab clinic's cafeteria for making the most addictive waffles on the planet. I've relapsed six times hoping to get another taste."

    Kathy Hollngs Systems Analyst
  • "With his upbringing, I'm shocked he's not a better drunk-driver."

    Wilhelm Greene Market Analyst
  • "My Dad used to say it's not summer until a Kennedy drives on the sidewalk. Well, he's out planting his garden now."

    David Berger Street Sweeper
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