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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Kerrey's Secret Shame

Last week, former senator Bob Kerrey admitted that a raid he led in the Vietnam War resulted in the deaths of at least 13 unarmed women and children. What do you think?
  • "Geez, you'd think he could make a run at the presidency without resorting to this kind of grandstanding."

    Myron Kannell Systems Analyst
  • "We all have skeletons in our closets. Of course, in Kerrey's case, it's a whole pile of Vietnamese child skeletons, but still."

    Peter Odomes Banker
  • "Come on. If that had really happened, he'd have an ear necklace like McCain."

    Andrew Hosch Telemarketer
  • "There are many good reasons to kill: money, revenge, that satisfying 'thwump' sound... but not to advance one's political career."

    Ike Brophy File Clerk
  • "What I want to know is, when he realized what had happened, did he throw back his head and yell, 'Nooooo!' in pain and rage?"

    Paulette Arnold Homemaker
  • "I suppose next you're going to tell me that Senator Calley was involved in this sort of thing, too."

    Denise Pillers Florist

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