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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Kevin Spacey To Host Tony Awards

Actor Kevin Spacey, who won one of the prestigious theater awards in 1991 for his role in “Lost In Yonkers,” will host the 71st annual Tony Awards this June. What do you think?

  • “I wish they would finally just hire a permanent host so we didn’t have to learn some new guy’s name every year.”

    Perry Wills Chinchilla Groomer
  • “I remember seeing him on Broadway years ago and thinking, ‘this guy’s going to host the Tonys to promote a TV show one day.’”

    Aaron Cliff Obituary Bibliographer
  • “Can I have have just one day to myself without some goddamn stranger stopping me for my thoughts on Kevin fucking Spacey?”

    Missy Belder Croquet Coach

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