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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Kids Snorting Smarties Candies In Nationwide Trend

Goaded by thousands of online videos showing the practice, middle school kids across the U.S. have reportedly been crushing up Smarties candies into powder and snorting them, though health officials warn of possibly serious side effects. What do you think?

  • “Middle school is a truly confusing time.”

    Valerie Kleiser Domain Name Registrar
  • “Man, those kids are going to feel so dumb when they find out they’re contradicting U.S. health officials.”

    Henry Salant Production Supervisor
  • “This is what happens when you take their cigarettes.”

    Francis Benjamin Traffic Engineer

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