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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.

Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
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Kids Swallowing More Small Batteries

A new CDC report found a surge in the number of children treated for ingesting the button batteries used in small devices like toys, watches, and hearing aids, with the nationwide figure rising from 1,900 in 1998 to 4,800 in 2010. What do you think?

  • “That’s why I tell my kids to chew their batteries thoroughly before swallowing them.”

    Cynthia Zuckerman Hypnotherapist
  • “Here’s a little trick I like to use: Just cover all of your batteries in a little bit of Tabasco sauce.”

    Tony Fitzgerald Mattress Spring Encaser
  • “Teeny tiny little kids eating itsy-bitsy batteries? Aw, that’s so cute I can’t stand it!”

    Saad Ahmed Outpatient Admitting Clerk

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