adBlockCheck

Recent News

Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
End Of Section
  • More News

Kids Swallowing More Small Batteries

A new CDC report found a surge in the number of children treated for ingesting the button batteries used in small devices like toys, watches, and hearing aids, with the nationwide figure rising from 1,900 in 1998 to 4,800 in 2010. What do you think?

  • “That’s why I tell my kids to chew their batteries thoroughly before swallowing them.”

    Cynthia Zuckerman Hypnotherapist
  • “Here’s a little trick I like to use: Just cover all of your batteries in a little bit of Tabasco sauce.”

    Tony Fitzgerald Mattress Spring Encaser
  • “Teeny tiny little kids eating itsy-bitsy batteries? Aw, that’s so cute I can’t stand it!”

    Saad Ahmed Outpatient Admitting Clerk

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close