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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Kids Swallowing More Small Batteries

A new CDC report found a surge in the number of children treated for ingesting the button batteries used in small devices like toys, watches, and hearing aids, with the nationwide figure rising from 1,900 in 1998 to 4,800 in 2010. What do you think?

  • “That’s why I tell my kids to chew their batteries thoroughly before swallowing them.”

    Cynthia Zuckerman Hypnotherapist
  • “Here’s a little trick I like to use: Just cover all of your batteries in a little bit of Tabasco sauce.”

    Tony Fitzgerald Mattress Spring Encaser
  • “Teeny tiny little kids eating itsy-bitsy batteries? Aw, that’s so cute I can’t stand it!”

    Saad Ahmed Outpatient Admitting Clerk

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