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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Kids Using Drugs To Study

Studies show that more and more college students are abusing prescription ADHD drugs like Adderall and Ritalin to help them study. What do you think?
  • "Slippage in grades is a sure sign your child may not be on drugs."

    Ed Wills Driver
  • "These drugs help them study? Wow. Turns out drugs aren't cool after all."

    Jeffrey Stuart Surgeon
  • "Taking Ritalin to study is very dangerous. If you let your focus drift, you'll spend the night scrubbing your telephone."

    Danielle Carlson Novelist
  • "It turns out the main ingredient in Adderall is dextroamphetamine. So all these years, long-haul truckers have been a vast, untapped intellectual resource?"

    Scott Wolman Cashier
  • "Hell, I don't blame them. Back in law school, I had to take all kinds of drugs just to be able to appreciate art and music."

    Stephen Underhill Lawyer
  • "When I was a kid, we didn't have drugs to help us study. If we wanted to get good grades, we had no choice but to stop getting drunk."

    Dana Williams Personal Shopper

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