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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.
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Kids Using Drugs To Study

Studies show that more and more college students are abusing prescription ADHD drugs like Adderall and Ritalin to help them study. What do you think?
  • "Slippage in grades is a sure sign your child may not be on drugs."

    Ed Wills Driver
  • "These drugs help them study? Wow. Turns out drugs aren't cool after all."

    Jeffrey Stuart Surgeon
  • "Taking Ritalin to study is very dangerous. If you let your focus drift, you'll spend the night scrubbing your telephone."

    Danielle Carlson Novelist
  • "It turns out the main ingredient in Adderall is dextroamphetamine. So all these years, long-haul truckers have been a vast, untapped intellectual resource?"

    Scott Wolman Cashier
  • "Hell, I don't blame them. Back in law school, I had to take all kinds of drugs just to be able to appreciate art and music."

    Stephen Underhill Lawyer
  • "When I was a kid, we didn't have drugs to help us study. If we wanted to get good grades, we had no choice but to stop getting drunk."

    Dana Williams Personal Shopper

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