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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Killer Asteroid In 2036?

Apopohis, an asteroid that measures over a quarter-mile wide, may be on course to hit Earth with the force of 100,000 Hiroshima-sized atomic blasts in 2036. What do you think?
  • "Boy, that's a really long time to scream my head off in terror...but here goes."

    Tim Struble Glass Blower
  • "I hear a mission is being planned to intercept and destroy the asteroid. All I can say is: not with my tax dollars."

    Jeff Leyda Programmer
  • "This sounds like something that would have to be co-managed by NASA and FEMA. God help us all."

    Tanya Hillington Archer
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