Killings Of Environmentalists On The Rise

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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Killings Of Environmentalists On The Rise

According to a report from the group Global Witness, murders of environmental activists have risen dramatically over the past three years. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, well, natural disasters killed 27,000 people last year compared with 106 environmentalist murders, so maybe these people should reconsider their loyalties.”

    Michele DoQui
    Weft Straightener
  • “Oh, I know. Just last week my brother-in-law wouldn't stop talking about how I absolutely had to start using a composting toilet, and I could've just—argh! You understand, right?”

    Michael Wise
    Grip Wrapper
  • “Has anyone investigated Joni Mitchell? She’s probably raking in some serious scratch from performances of ‘Big Yellow Taxi’ at all the funerals.”

    Duke Perry
    Unemployed