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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Killings Of Environmentalists On The Rise

According to a report from the group Global Witness, murders of environmental activists have risen dramatically over the past three years. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, well, natural disasters killed 27,000 people last year compared with 106 environmentalist murders, so maybe these people should reconsider their loyalties.”

    Michele DoQui Weft Straightener
  • “Oh, I know. Just last week my brother-in-law wouldn't stop talking about how I absolutely had to start using a composting toilet, and I could've just—argh! You understand, right?”

    Michael Wise Grip Wrapper
  • “Has anyone investigated Joni Mitchell? She’s probably raking in some serious scratch from performances of ‘Big Yellow Taxi’ at all the funerals.”

    Duke Perry Unemployed

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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

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