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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Killings Of Environmentalists On The Rise

According to a report from the group Global Witness, murders of environmental activists have risen dramatically over the past three years. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, well, natural disasters killed 27,000 people last year compared with 106 environmentalist murders, so maybe these people should reconsider their loyalties.”

    Michele DoQui Weft Straightener
  • “Oh, I know. Just last week my brother-in-law wouldn't stop talking about how I absolutely had to start using a composting toilet, and I could've just—argh! You understand, right?”

    Michael Wise Grip Wrapper
  • “Has anyone investigated Joni Mitchell? She’s probably raking in some serious scratch from performances of ‘Big Yellow Taxi’ at all the funerals.”

    Duke Perry Unemployed
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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