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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Kim Jong-Un Receives Honorary Doctorate

A university in Malaysia conferred an honorary doctorate in economics on North Korea’s dictator Kim Jong-un, saying that the 30-year-old leader “makes untiring efforts for the education of the country and the well-being of its people.” What do you think?

  • “The North Korean people must be so proud and hungry.”

    Derrick Stoll Systems Analyst
  • “He has a doctorate? Wow, what a catch.”

    Megan Alstadter Paramedic
  • “Congratulations!”

    Manny Guinta Music Critic
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