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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Kim Kardashian, Kanye West Have Daughter

Kanye West and Kim Kardashian welcomed a healthy daughter into the world Saturday, with the newborn weighing in at less than 5 pounds and the parents saying they would choose a name that begins with the letter K. What do you think?

  • “If only we could catch a glimpse of her someday.”

    Melinda Duff Rancher
  • “I hope whatever name they choose for her is kind of weird.”

    Rick Welling Systems Analyst
  • “My baby weighed more than Kanye West’s baby! Did you hear that, world? My baby weighed more than Kanye West’s baby!”

    Troy Martin Dining Car Waiter

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