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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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‘Knee Defender’ Passenger Fight Diverts Entire Plane

A flight from New Jersey to Denver was diverted to Chicago after a passenger used a device called a “knee defender,” which prevented the person in the seat in front of him from reclining, inciting her to turn around and throw water in his face. What do you think?

  • “New Jersey to Denver’s usually so fun!”

    Ellen Greenlee Unemployed
  • “It may have inconvenienced everyone else on the plane, but it’s still kind of inspiring that two people like this managed to find each other.”

    Edward Irvine Gift Wrapper
  • “Well, at least all the other passengers got an extra hour and a half of travel time out of the ordeal.”

    Philip Roundtree Errand Runner

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