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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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‘Knee Defender’ Passenger Fight Diverts Entire Plane

A flight from New Jersey to Denver was diverted to Chicago after a passenger used a device called a “knee defender,” which prevented the person in the seat in front of him from reclining, inciting her to turn around and throw water in his face. What do you think?

  • “New Jersey to Denver’s usually so fun!”

    Ellen Greenlee Unemployed
  • “It may have inconvenienced everyone else on the plane, but it’s still kind of inspiring that two people like this managed to find each other.”

    Edward Irvine Gift Wrapper
  • “Well, at least all the other passengers got an extra hour and a half of travel time out of the ordeal.”

    Philip Roundtree Errand Runner
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