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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.
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Kobe Bryant Case Dismissed

Last week, prosecutors dropped the felony sexual-assault charge against basketball star Kobe Bryant. What do you think?
  • "Well, there you have it. The system works."

    Sandy Miller Teacher
  • "All you people who have been clamoring for a pro athlete who's not a convicted felon, here's your man."

    Amy O'Keefe Studio Musician
  • "At last, Kobe is vindicated before the eyes of the nation: He's not a rapist; he just constantly cheats on his wife."

    James Tompkins Lawyer
  • "He's still guilty of losing to the no-name Detroit Pistons in the NBA Finals."

    Eric Mills Chef
  • "Every time a black man gets famous, they try to drag him down. But every time a woman asserts herself, they call her a slut. So I'm torn."

    Michael Bartko Systems Analyst
  • "Could they at least tell us if he did it or not?"

    Jeffrey Larsen Mayor

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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