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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Kobe Bryant Case Dismissed

Last week, prosecutors dropped the felony sexual-assault charge against basketball star Kobe Bryant. What do you think?
  • "Well, there you have it. The system works."

    Sandy Miller Teacher
  • "All you people who have been clamoring for a pro athlete who's not a convicted felon, here's your man."

    Amy O'Keefe Studio Musician
  • "At last, Kobe is vindicated before the eyes of the nation: He's not a rapist; he just constantly cheats on his wife."

    James Tompkins Lawyer
  • "He's still guilty of losing to the no-name Detroit Pistons in the NBA Finals."

    Eric Mills Chef
  • "Every time a black man gets famous, they try to drag him down. But every time a woman asserts herself, they call her a slut. So I'm torn."

    Michael Bartko Systems Analyst
  • "Could they at least tell us if he did it or not?"

    Jeffrey Larsen Mayor

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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