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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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Kosher Plant Cited For Child Labor

Investigators uncovered 57 child labor violations at a kosher meatpacking facility in Iowa. What do you think?
  • "Is 57 the number of child labor violations it takes to make something kosher?"

    Ken Smith Systems Analyst
  • "Man, having to slaughter animals by the kosher process of a single cut across the throat to a precise depth, severing both carotid arteries, both the jugular veins, the vagus nerves, the trachea and the esophagus, no higher than the epiglottis and no lower than where the cilia begin inside the trachea, thus causing the animal to bleed to death would probably really fuck you up as a kid.”

    Carol Williams Quality Control Inspector
  • "Nothing's going to happen, though. Everyone knows that Jews control the kosher-meatpacking-facility media."

    Bix Blumenthal Haberdasher

After Birth

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