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Kosovo Intervention?

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.
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Kosovo Intervention?

Outraged over Serb atrocities against Kosovo's ethnic Albanians, NATO has issued an ultimatum to Serb leader Slobodan Milosevic, threatening air strikes if his aggression does not end. What do you think?
  • "I'm not too sure of the specifics of the Kosovo situation, but it sounds like we should probably drop bombs on somebody."

    Russell Perry Landscaper
  • "Those ethnic types tend to be pretty filthy, so I don't see what's so bad about cleansing them."

    Jennifer D'Acquisto Ornithologist
  • "I don't blame the Serbs. I once lived next door to some ethnic Albanians, and I fucking hated those guys."

    Todd Almon Student
  • "Slobodan Milosevic? Didn't he used to play for the Trail Blazers?"

    Douglas Mura, Architect
  • "All of this escalating violence could easily be stopped if someone would just travel to Sarajevo and assassinate Archduke Franz Ferdinand."

    Annette Shirley, Systems Analyst
  • "I'm sorry, but I can't be bothered with all this foreign mumbo-jumbo right now–our president may have received as many as nine secret blow jobs."

    Duane Bevacqua Bartender

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