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Nobel Committee Awards Self Peace Prize For Once

‘Sometimes You Just Need To Treat Yourself,’ Sources Say

OSLO, NORWAY—Saying there was nothing wrong with treating yourself for a change, the Norwegian Nobel Committee announced Friday that it was awarding the 2017 Nobel Peace Prize to itself for once.

The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.
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Kosovo Intervention?

Outraged over Serb atrocities against Kosovo's ethnic Albanians, NATO has issued an ultimatum to Serb leader Slobodan Milosevic, threatening air strikes if his aggression does not end. What do you think?
  • "I'm not too sure of the specifics of the Kosovo situation, but it sounds like we should probably drop bombs on somebody."

    Russell Perry Landscaper
  • "Those ethnic types tend to be pretty filthy, so I don't see what's so bad about cleansing them."

    Jennifer D'Acquisto Ornithologist
  • "I don't blame the Serbs. I once lived next door to some ethnic Albanians, and I fucking hated those guys."

    Todd Almon Student
  • "Slobodan Milosevic? Didn't he used to play for the Trail Blazers?"

    Douglas Mura, Architect
  • "All of this escalating violence could easily be stopped if someone would just travel to Sarajevo and assassinate Archduke Franz Ferdinand."

    Annette Shirley, Systems Analyst
  • "I'm sorry, but I can't be bothered with all this foreign mumbo-jumbo right now–our president may have received as many as nine secret blow jobs."

    Duane Bevacqua Bartender

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The Life Of Diana, Princess Of Wales

Today marks 20 years since the funeral of Princess Diana, known to many as the “people’s princess.” The Onion looks back at the life of Princess Diana before it was cut tragically short.

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