adBlockCheck

Kosovo Intervention?

Top Headlines

International

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Kosovo Intervention?

Outraged over Serb atrocities against Kosovo's ethnic Albanians, NATO has issued an ultimatum to Serb leader Slobodan Milosevic, threatening air strikes if his aggression does not end. What do you think?
  • "I'm not too sure of the specifics of the Kosovo situation, but it sounds like we should probably drop bombs on somebody."

    Russell Perry Landscaper
  • "Those ethnic types tend to be pretty filthy, so I don't see what's so bad about cleansing them."

    Jennifer D'Acquisto Ornithologist
  • "I don't blame the Serbs. I once lived next door to some ethnic Albanians, and I fucking hated those guys."

    Todd Almon Student
  • "Slobodan Milosevic? Didn't he used to play for the Trail Blazers?"

    Douglas Mura, Architect
  • "All of this escalating violence could easily be stopped if someone would just travel to Sarajevo and assassinate Archduke Franz Ferdinand."

    Annette Shirley, Systems Analyst
  • "I'm sorry, but I can't be bothered with all this foreign mumbo-jumbo right now–our president may have received as many as nine secret blow jobs."

    Duane Bevacqua Bartender

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close