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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Kuwait To Medically ‘Detect’ Gay Visitors, Expel Them

Kuwaiti officials said that the country will use medical tests that they claim can “detect” homosexuality when assessing expatriates attempting to enter their borders, with those who test positive for homosexuality being barred from entry. What do you think?

  • “That is some cutting-edge bigotry.”

    Sven Lamb Unemployed
  • “Is this one of those ‘if your hand is bigger than your face’ tricks where they smack your hand into your nose?”

    Juliet Bush Metallurgical Technician
  • “But that’s not fair to super-straight guys like me with really gay urine.”

    Kurt Orsatti Enrobing Machine Operator
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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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