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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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L.A. Bans Fast Food

The Los Angeles City Council passed a one-year moratorium on new fast-food establishments opening in South Los Angeles where 30 percent of the children are obese. What do you think?
  • "Just as long as they don't go overboard and deplete Hollywood's supply of cute little fat kids."

    Samantha Arca Systems Analyst
  • "Kids are craftier than you think. The second you turn your back, they'll find some new way to get fat."

    Timothy Kendall Textile Designer
  • "Yeah, that almost happened to us, but we just lured the fat kids out of town on Census Day."

    Stephen Norton Highway Engineer
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