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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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L.A. Bans Fast Food

The Los Angeles City Council passed a one-year moratorium on new fast-food establishments opening in South Los Angeles where 30 percent of the children are obese. What do you think?
  • "Just as long as they don't go overboard and deplete Hollywood's supply of cute little fat kids."

    Samantha Arca Systems Analyst
  • "Kids are craftier than you think. The second you turn your back, they'll find some new way to get fat."

    Timothy Kendall Textile Designer
  • "Yeah, that almost happened to us, but we just lured the fat kids out of town on Census Day."

    Stephen Norton Highway Engineer

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