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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Lady Gaga Barred From Indonesia

Following numerous religious protests, Indonesian officials have refused to issue a permit for Lady Gaga to perform in Jakarta next month. What do you think?

  • “Oh, man, that’s too bad. I bet she was going to dress up like something weird.”

    Quinn Palmer Systems Analyst
  • "Fuck, do you know how hard it is to get a refund from Indonesian Ticketmaster?"

    Gabriel King Buffing Machine Operator
  • "As Eddie Money’s booking agent, I can confirm he is available to step in to fill her commitments. Seriously, he’s got a bag packed and everything."

    Marc Taylor Booking Agent

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