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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Lady Gaga Barred From Indonesia

Following numerous religious protests, Indonesian officials have refused to issue a permit for Lady Gaga to perform in Jakarta next month. What do you think?

  • “Oh, man, that’s too bad. I bet she was going to dress up like something weird.”

    Quinn Palmer Systems Analyst
  • "Fuck, do you know how hard it is to get a refund from Indonesian Ticketmaster?"

    Gabriel King Buffing Machine Operator
  • "As Eddie Money’s booking agent, I can confirm he is available to step in to fill her commitments. Seriously, he’s got a bag packed and everything."

    Marc Taylor Booking Agent

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