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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Lady Gaga To Sing In Outer Space In 2015

As part of the Zero G Colony festival that is set to take place in early 2015 at Spaceport America in New Mexico, Lady Gaga will perform a single song aboard a Virgin Galactic spaceflight, becoming the first pop star to sing in space. What do you think?

  • “This better not be an empty promise like last time with Lance Bass.”

    Tia Bates Bricklayer
  • “I hope it’s not the same Virgin Galactic spaceflight I booked. I really wanted to get some reading done.”

    John Church Hospital Administrator
  • “Is she playing anywhere closer to Cincinnati?”

    Roland Munro Terra Cotta Mason

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