After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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'Lancet' Retracts Autism Paper

Citing the study's bad methodology, the British medical journal The Lancet retracted a 1998 paper that linked autism with the measles-mumps-rubella vaccine. What do you think?

  • "That's obvious. Vaccines don't cause autism. Not telling your kids to smarten up and get their heads out of their asses does."

    Annie Meyer Systems Analyst
  • "That study may have been flawed, but the connection still exists. How else do you explain the fact that neither of my intentionally unvaccinated children have autism?"

    Zach Scovell Debeader
  • "I still trust Jim Carrey's girlfriend on this. She was on Oprah.'"

    Jeffrey Mulligan Muffler Installer

After Birth

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