Onion, Inc. Sites

The Onion Logo

'Lancet' Retracts Autism Paper

In This Section

After Birth

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza

FORT WORTH, TX—Saying they get their hopes up anytime they notice her looking particularly downhearted, siblings Paulo and Marisa Hernandez told reporters Wednesday they love it when their mother is sad enough to just order pizza.

Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms

Mothershould’s Grace Manning-Devlin breaks down some of the hottest baby names of the year, such as Cooper, Tanner, Milkman, and Serf.

Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing

As the American education system continues to place more emphasis on standardized testing to measure academic achievement, critics have argued that it can be more harmful than helpful to students’ development in the long run. Here are some of the pros and cons of standardized testing:

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years

PAOLI, PA—Poised to inform future parenting decisions on medical care, dietary restrictions, and everyday well-being, the blog post “Fluoride Drops For Kids—Good Idea?” which was read by local mother Laurie Miller earlier today, will reportedly shape the next 18 years of her young child’s life.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids

As technology becomes more of a staple in everyday family life, parents are making choices about how much screen time to allow their children—and asking questions about how computers, phones, and TVs might help or hinder a child’s development.

Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle

OVERLAND PARK, KS—Appearing stunned and unsettled as they entered her classroom Wednesday, students from Ms. Frederickson’s fourth-period social studies class were reportedly overcome with panic 

Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment

BOWLING GREEN, OH—With their father marking the start of an important new phase in his life, the children of local man Barry Hunt told reporters they got a bit teary-eyed after helping the 49-year-old move into his first apartment Thursday. Teenager...

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence

MUNCIE, IN—Saying that they wanted to instill lifelong financial habits in their young son, the parents of 9-year-old Jeremy Lambert explained to reporters Monday that they give him a weekly $10 allowance to teach him the importance of parental depe...

Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back

Sesame Street, the long-running PBS children’s television show starring a cast of Jim Henson muppets who teach children basic learning concepts and introduce them to difficult issues, turns 45 this week.

The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs

As more women choose to pursue professional, educational, or personal goals before starting a family later in life, many consider freezing their eggs as a way of prolonging their fertility.

Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State

NEW YORK—Considering how these days the government in this country coddles its citizens from the cradle to the grave, an 11-year-old boy currently homeless on the streets of New York must be unaware he lives in a nanny state, reports confirmed this ...

The Cost Of Raising A Child

According to a new report by the USDA, the cost of raising a child until age 18 now exceeds $245,000, after which many parents will also have to foot the bill for college.

Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport

AURORA, IL—Noting its impressive collection of shops, restaurants, and transit options during a phone call with her daughter, local mother Carol Wingfield expressed her admiration for Phoenix Sky Harbor International Airport in the strongest terms, ...

Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues

BOLTON, VT—Saying it’s important for parents to avoid simply passing their own neuroses on to their children, area mother Tricia Eakins told reporters Monday she believes in taking a hands-off approach and letting her kids develop their own ps...

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
'Lancet' Retracts Autism Paper
'Lancet' Retracts Autism Paper
Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is
Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is
Preventing Childhood Obesity
Preventing Childhood Obesity
Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza
Kids Love When Mom Sad Enough To Just Order Pizza
2.8-Million-Year-Old Cycle Of Human Cruelty Continues Unabated On Elementary School Playground
2.8-Million-Year-Old Cycle Of Human Cruelty Continues Unabated On Elementary School Playground
Police Assure Residents Kidnapping Was Only One Of Those Custody-Related Ones
Police Assure Residents Kidnapping Was Only One Of Those Custody-Related Ones
Matt Lauer Waits In Parking Garage For Anonymous Source On Parenting Trends
Matt Lauer Waits In Parking Garage For Anonymous Source On Parenting Trends
The Seven Male Role Models Every Child Needs For A Healthy Upbringing
The Seven Male Role Models Every Child Needs For A Healthy Upbringing
Woman Already Off To Bad Start As Mother After Requesting Epidural
Woman Already Off To Bad Start As Mother After Requesting Epidural
Child Unaware Just How Many Of His Toys Intended To Steer Him Away From Homosexuality
Child Unaware Just How Many Of His Toys Intended To Steer Him Away From Homosexuality
Until I Had Kids, I Never Thought I Could Love Something Almost As Much As Myself
Until I Had Kids, I Never Thought I Could Love Something Almost As Much As Myself
Toddler Adjusting To Society After Serving 2-Minute Timeout
Toddler Adjusting To Society After Serving 2-Minute Timeout
How To Successfully Sue Other Moms Who Steal Your Parenting Tricks
How To Successfully Sue Other Moms Who Steal Your Parenting Tricks
Study: Average Father Thinks About Sealing In Meat’s Juices 4 To 5 Hours A Day
Study: Average Father Thinks About Sealing In Meat’s Juices 4 To 5 Hours A Day
American Pharoah’s Parents Seated In Separate Sections Of Preakness Crowd
American Pharoah’s Parents Seated In Separate Sections Of Preakness Crowd
Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms
Baby-Naming Tips For New Moms
One-Year-Old Still Waiting For Father’s First Words
One-Year-Old Still Waiting For Father’s First Words
Breakthrough Procedure Allows Parents To Select Sexiness Of Child
Breakthrough Procedure Allows Parents To Select Sexiness Of Child
It’s A Mom’s Right To Decide Whether Her Kids Ride A Stranger’s Dog
It’s A Mom’s Right To Decide Whether Her Kids Ride A Stranger’s Dog
Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing
Pros And Cons Of Standardized Testing
Mother Still Searching For Preschool That Focuses Exclusively On Her Son
Mother Still Searching For Preschool That Focuses Exclusively On Her Son
Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification
Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification
Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery
Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery
What Kind Of Mom Stick Is Right For You?
What Kind Of Mom Stick Is Right For You?
Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured
Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured
Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.
Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.
Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years
Blog Post Read By Mother To Shape Child’s Next 18 Years
Having My First Child Was A Better High Than All The Ecstasy I’ve Ever Done
Having My First Child Was A Better High Than All The Ecstasy I’ve Ever Done
All Of Child’s Fondest Memories Times When Dad Trying To Make Up For Things
All Of Child’s Fondest Memories Times When Dad Trying To Make Up For Things
Fetus Going To Pretend He Doesn’t Hear Loud Argument Coming From Other Side Of Uterine Wall
Fetus Going To Pretend He Doesn’t Hear Loud Argument Coming From Other Side Of Uterine Wall
Show Off Your Unique Mommy Style With A Handmade Wicker Car Seat
Show Off Your Unique Mommy Style With A Handmade Wicker Car Seat
Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good
Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good
Where Do You Rank On The Overall Mom Leaderboard?
Where Do You Rank On The Overall Mom Leaderboard?
The Key To Getting Pregnant Is Letting Everyone Know You’re Trying
The Key To Getting Pregnant Is Letting Everyone Know You’re Trying
Aerospace Engineers Warn First-Grader’s Design For Spaceship Completely Unsafe
Aerospace Engineers Warn First-Grader’s Design For Spaceship Completely Unsafe
Increasing Number Of Couples Now Using Surrogates To Have, Raise Baby
Increasing Number Of Couples Now Using Surrogates To Have, Raise Baby
First Kid To Wake Up At Slumber Party Gets Exclusive Look At Friend’s Mom’s Morning Routine
First Kid To Wake Up At Slumber Party Gets Exclusive Look At Friend’s Mom’s Morning Routine
Baby Has Sinking Feeling He Left Home Without Oversize Multicolor Plastic Keys
Baby Has Sinking Feeling He Left Home Without Oversize Multicolor Plastic Keys
Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled
Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled
Gym Teacher Devises Elaborate Sport From Handful Of Foam Cubes, Scooters, Plastic Mats
Gym Teacher Devises Elaborate Sport From Handful Of Foam Cubes, Scooters, Plastic Mats
Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids
Pros And Cons Of Screen Time For Kids
Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle
Oh God, Teacher Arranged Desks In Giant Circle
Belt Looks Weird On Child
Belt Looks Weird On Child
Woman Thinks She Can Just Waltz Back Into Work After Maternity Leave Without Bringing Baby To Office
Woman Thinks She Can Just Waltz Back Into Work After Maternity Leave Without Bringing Baby To Office
Siblings Playing Tense Game Of Chicken To Decide Who Going To Care For Mom
Siblings Playing Tense Game Of Chicken To Decide Who Going To Care For Mom
Unhappy Couple Staying Together For One Of Their Children
Unhappy Couple Staying Together For One Of Their Children
Passengers Feel Sorry For Flustered Toddler Traveling With Loud, Obnoxious Parents
Passengers Feel Sorry For Flustered Toddler Traveling With Loud, Obnoxious Parents
Dad Receives Advance Intelligence On Visiting Son’s New Eyeliner
Dad Receives Advance Intelligence On Visiting Son’s New Eyeliner
Teacher Who Dedicates Life To Students Total Fucking Bitch
Teacher Who Dedicates Life To Students Total Fucking Bitch
Mom Could Have Used Few More Days To Self Before Missing Daughter Returned
Mom Could Have Used Few More Days To Self Before Missing Daughter Returned
Bellicose Contingent Of Seventh-Graders Want To Play Tackle
Bellicose Contingent Of Seventh-Graders Want To Play Tackle
Mattel Making Over Barbie With Racial Diversity, Tech Features
Mattel Making Over Barbie With Racial Diversity, Tech Features
Report: Majority Of Mothers Would Drop Kids Off At Warehouse Called ‘Fun Zone’ For Hour Of Free Time, No Questions Asked
Report: Majority Of Mothers Would Drop Kids Off At Warehouse Called ‘Fun Zone’ For Hour Of Free Time, No Questions Asked
Mom Reports That Hometown Actually Has A Lot Going On Now
Mom Reports That Hometown Actually Has A Lot Going On Now
Report: Mom Has Plan For Tub Of Whipped Cream In Fridge
Report: Mom Has Plan For Tub Of Whipped Cream In Fridge
Parenting Expert Has Nerve To Tell You How To Raise Your Own Goddamn Kids
Parenting Expert Has Nerve To Tell You How To Raise Your Own Goddamn Kids
Would You Let Your Child See An R-Rated Movie?
Would You Let Your Child See An R-Rated Movie?
Preschooler Asks To Borrow Classmate’s Notes On Shapes
Preschooler Asks To Borrow Classmate’s Notes On Shapes
Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment
Kids Teary-Eyed After Helping Dad Move Into First Apartment
Area Dad Didn’t Shell Out $100 At Aquarium For Lecture About Ecosystem
Area Dad Didn’t Shell Out $100 At Aquarium For Lecture About Ecosystem
Woman’s Parents Accepting Of Mixed-Attractiveness Relationship
Woman’s Parents Accepting Of Mixed-Attractiveness Relationship
Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch
Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch
Stressed-Out 8-Year-Old Looks 12
Stressed-Out 8-Year-Old Looks 12
Mother Trying Her Best To Project Same Amount Of Insecurities Onto All Her Daughters
Mother Trying Her Best To Project Same Amount Of Insecurities Onto All Her Daughters
Dirty Slush Machine Provides Children In Florida Taste Of Winter
Dirty Slush Machine Provides Children In Florida Taste Of Winter
Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly
Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly
The Onion’s Holiday Gift Guide For Kids
The Onion’s Holiday Gift Guide For Kids
12-Year-Old’s Christmas List Demonstrates Heartbreaking Awareness Of Family’s Financial Predicament
12-Year-Old’s Christmas List Demonstrates Heartbreaking Awareness Of Family’s Financial Predicament
3 Toddlers Dredged From Chuck E. Cheese Ball Pit
3 Toddlers Dredged From Chuck E. Cheese Ball Pit
Report: U.S. Students Lead World In Knowledge Of Common Household Items That Will Give You Buzz
Report: U.S. Students Lead World In Knowledge Of Common Household Items That Will Give You Buzz
Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence
Allowance To Teach Child Importance Of Parental Dependence
Moron Stepfather Takes Care Of Child Who Doesn’t Have His Genetic Material
Moron Stepfather Takes Care Of Child Who Doesn’t Have His Genetic Material
Woman Transitions From Being Terrified Of Getting Pregnant To Being Terrified She Can’t Get Pregnant
Woman Transitions From Being Terrified Of Getting Pregnant To Being Terrified She Can’t Get Pregnant
Son Never Showed Such Dedication Until Starting Football Hazing
Son Never Showed Such Dedication Until Starting Football Hazing
High School Sweethearts To One Day Tell Grandchildren How They Met During Lockdown
High School Sweethearts To One Day Tell Grandchildren How They Met During Lockdown
Married Couple Frustrated After Months Of Unsuccessfully Trying To Sell A Baby
Married Couple Frustrated After Months Of Unsuccessfully Trying To Sell A Baby
Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back
Sesame Street’s 45th Anniversary: A Look Back
Foster Home Gets New Shipment
Foster Home Gets New Shipment
The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs
The Pros And Cons Of Freezing Your Eggs
Elementary Schoolers Depressed After Getting Look At Voters Filing Out Of Gymnasium
Elementary Schoolers Depressed After Getting Look At Voters Filing Out Of Gymnasium
Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State
Homeless Child Apparently Unaware He Lives In Nanny State
Fourth-Graders Differ Over How Much Allergic Classmate’s Face Swelled Up
Fourth-Graders Differ Over How Much Allergic Classmate’s Face Swelled Up
The Cost Of Raising A Child
The Cost Of Raising A Child
Report: Cost Of Raising Neglected Children Still Low As Ever
Report: Cost Of Raising Neglected Children Still Low As Ever
Elderly Parents Staying Active By Frequently Going To Friends’ Funerals
Elderly Parents Staying Active By Frequently Going To Friends’ Funerals
Pueblo Indians Can’t Keep Pace With Area Mom’s Appetite For Earthenware
Pueblo Indians Can’t Keep Pace With Area Mom’s Appetite For Earthenware
Second-Grader Likes To Save Purple Pills For Last
Second-Grader Likes To Save Purple Pills For Last
Study Finds More Americans Waiting To Start Secret Second Families Until Later In Life
Study Finds More Americans Waiting To Start Secret Second Families Until Later In Life
Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport
Area Mom Raving About Phoenix Airport
Report: More Americans Saving Money For Child’s Unemployment
Report: More Americans Saving Money For Child’s Unemployment
Facebook Offers To Freeze Female Employees’ Newborn Children
Facebook Offers To Freeze Female Employees’ Newborn Children
Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues
Hands-Off Mom Lets Kids Create Own Psychological Issues
Report: Increasing Number Of U.S. Toddlers Attending Online Preschool
Report: Increasing Number Of U.S. Toddlers Attending Online Preschool
Man Takes Parents On Tour Of City Where He Came To Escape Them
Man Takes Parents On Tour Of City Where He Came To Escape Them
Report: Many Companies Now Offering Women Permanent, Unpaid Maternity Leave
Report: Many Companies Now Offering Women Permanent, Unpaid Maternity Leave
Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year
Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year
Workaholic Dad Misses Only One Or Two Accomplishments In Unimpressive Child’s Life
Workaholic Dad Misses Only One Or Two Accomplishments In Unimpressive Child’s Life
Seventh-Grader Receiving More One-On-One Bullying Since Transferring To Private School
Seventh-Grader Receiving More One-On-One Bullying Since Transferring To Private School
Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice
Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice
Students Thankful Standardized Curriculum Sparing Them From Free-Spirited Teacher’s Antics
Students Thankful Standardized Curriculum Sparing Them From Free-Spirited Teacher’s Antics
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Advertising

  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

'Lancet' Retracts Autism Paper

AMERICAN VOICES February 5, 2010

Citing the study's bad methodology, the British medical journal The Lancet retracted a 1998 paper that linked autism with the measles-mumps-rubella vaccine. What do you think?

  • "That's obvious. Vaccines don't cause autism. Not telling your kids to smarten up and get their heads out of their asses does."

    Annie Meyer
    Systems Analyst

  • "That study may have been flawed, but the connection still exists. How else do you explain the fact that neither of my intentionally unvaccinated children have autism?"

    Zach Scovell
    Debeader

  • "I still trust Jim Carrey's girlfriend on this. She was on Oprah.'"

    Jeffrey Mulligan
    Muffler Installer
Next Story

After Birth Video