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Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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Landlords Urged To Be Vigilant Against Terrorists

Following the death of Osama bin Laden, the Department of Homeland Security has urged landlords to be on the alert for radicalized individuals who may be occupying their buildings. What do you think?

  • “If they're telling me to be racist, I'm way ahead of them."

    Adam Kilbey Systems Analyst
  • "To clarify, the DHS defines 'radicalized individuals' as people who complain about malfunctioning radiators, people who complain about unchanged light bulbs in entryways, and people who complain about inconsistent trash removal."

    Jen Wilson-Piper Security Analyst
  • "No sweat, I've already worked a clause into my standard lease that revokes a tenant's entire security deposit if he commits an act of terrorism."

    Marco Powles Landlord

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