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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Laptops Contributed To Pilot Error

Federal safety investigators are citing use of laptop computers among the factors that caused a Northwest Airlines pilot and copilot to become distracted and overshoot their destination of Minneapolis by 150 miles. What do you think?
  • "Well, flying Northwest is such a pleasure that I'm sure most passengers would jump at the chance to log an extra 150 miles with the airline."

    Alexis Carter Aperture Mask-Etcher
  • "I remember a simpler time when tipsy pilots were busy clinking glasses together instead of looking at websites as they sailed past their destinations."

    Davis Sheedy Machine Operator
  • "It could have been worse. That plane could have been going to Barcelona. Can you imagine missing Barcelona?! So frustrating."

    Ryan Hayes Systems Analyst

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