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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Latest 'Shrek' Weaker Than Last

Shrek Forever After, the latest installment in the animated children's franchise, grossed nearly $50 million less in its opening weekend than its predecessor. What do you think?

  • "Time for Mike Myers to go back to the drawing board until he invents a new character who's fat and gross and has a Scottish accent."

    Nicholas Casebolt Mold Cleaner
  • "Really? Maybe after I tell my daughter, she won't want me to take her and the rest of her birthday party to the damn thing."

    Kayla Hamley Pelletizer
  • "Sadly, it has to compete with that other movie with the British-sounding ogre. What's it called? Oh, yeah, Robin Hood!"

    Will Lorinczi Nozzle Tender
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

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