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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:
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Latin America Leaning Left

With the election of Socialist pediatrician Michelle Bachelet in Chile, Latin America is leaning further to the left. What do you think?
  • "Never gonna happen. United Fruit would never allow it."

    Laura Sweeney Home Inspector
  • "Why does the World Bank keep loaning them money if this is what they're going to do with it?"

    Paul Sonne Graphic Designer
  • "Wow, they are leaning more left! A Hispanic president!"

    Ryan Moser Customer Service

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