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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Latvian Meteor Strike A Hoax

A Latvian mobile phone company has admitted it staged a meteor strike outside the town of Mazsalaca as a publicity stunt. What do you think?
  • "I wish people would stage meteor hoaxes in my town. Instead, when people where I live get bored, they inhale lacquer thinner."

    Benjamin Rodgers Unemployed
  • "Why do we always have to question things? Can't we just enjoy the hole in the ground for what it isn't?"

    Nick Ast Finished Goods Stock Clerk
  • "It makes you wonder what other ruses those dastardly Latvians are trying to pull on us. Are those Rothko paintings really masterpieces, or just plain old monochromatic rectangles?"

    Ann Finkel Inetrlacer
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God Sick Of New Angel’s Annoying Fucking Voice

THE HEAVENS—Calling the sound a “cross between a train whistle and a dying goat,” God, Our Lord And Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was already sick of a new angel’s “incredibly fucking annoying voice.

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