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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Lava Lamp Turns 50

The lava lamp, which was invented by British accountant Edward Craven-Walker, first went on sale 50 years ago this week under the name Astro Lamp, becoming widely popular throughout the 1960s and 1970s. What do you think?

  • “I’ll probably throw my lamp a little party, nothing too major.”

    Anita Flynn Software Designer
  • “Today’s lamp-makers have completely lost the desire to entertain.”

    Earl Durocher Geriatrician
  • “I was never part of that cool crowd, so I just called mine a Craven-Walker lamp.”

    Patricio Quintal Septic Tank Servicer

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