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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.
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Lay’s Debuts Chocolate-Covered Potato Chips

Frito-Lay will begin selling a milk-chocolate-covered version of its wavy-style potato chips this week, which will be available through the holiday season and will be priced at $3.49 for a five-ounce package. What do you think?

  • “Those will taste great in my holiday butter dip.”

    Marco Esposito Beeswax Blender
  • “Well, that simplifies my Christmas shopping a bit.”

    Del Garrett Systems Analyst
  • “I lost my dad this year, so the timing’s perfect.”

    Sharon Conrad Invertebrate Zoologist

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