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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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‘Lean In’ To Be Made Into Movie

Facebook chief operating officer Sheryl Sandberg’s 2013 bestseller Lean In, which aims to empower women in the workplace, is slated to be turned into a movie by Sony Pictures and likely directed by Aaron Sorkin. What do you think?

  • “This has ‘no nude scenes’ written all over it.”

    Mike Berandes Charter Bus Driver
  • “I hope it’s in 3D. It’d be so cool to see an empowered woman coming right at you.”

    Katie Urso Secretarial Worker
  • “My daughter is way too empowered as it is.”

    James Smocer Food Service Overseer

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