adBlockCheck

Recent News

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
End Of Section
  • More News

‘Lee Daniels’ The Butler’ Takes Box Office; ‘Jobs’ Flops

Lee Daniels’ The Butler, a drama that follows the life of a black White House butler who served eight presidents, took in $25 million in its opening weekend, beating out the Steve Jobs biopic Jobs, which earned a disappointing $6.7 million. What do you think?

  • “People will see anything with ‘Lee Daniels’ in the title.”

    Holly Thigpen Rhinestone Setter
  • “Well, obviously. Any movie that can tap into our nation’s thriving underground butler culture is sure to be a hit.”

    Ezra Switkes Bottling Line Attendant
  • “The Lee Daniels’ The Butler app will never get approved now.”

    Justin Camillucci Systems Analyst
More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close