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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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‘Lee Daniels’ The Butler’ Takes Box Office; ‘Jobs’ Flops

Lee Daniels’ The Butler, a drama that follows the life of a black White House butler who served eight presidents, took in $25 million in its opening weekend, beating out the Steve Jobs biopic Jobs, which earned a disappointing $6.7 million. What do you think?

  • “People will see anything with ‘Lee Daniels’ in the title.”

    Holly Thigpen Rhinestone Setter
  • “Well, obviously. Any movie that can tap into our nation’s thriving underground butler culture is sure to be a hit.”

    Ezra Switkes Bottling Line Attendant
  • “The Lee Daniels’ The Butler app will never get approved now.”

    Justin Camillucci Systems Analyst

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