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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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Legalizing Mexican Labor

Last week, President Bush promised illegal Mexican immigrants a worker program to legalize their labor in the U.S., but not blanket amnesty. What do you think?
  • "You have to admire Bush's firm resolve to get American tables bused in an efficient, legal manner."

    Dan Hunt Systems Analyst
  • "As a fifth-generation Italian-American, I am opposed to any and all immigration."

    Gloria Goelz Homemaker
  • "I have been iffy on Mexicans ever since El Macho, the Thief of Hearts, stole away my lover true. Curse you, El Macho!"

    Peter Whitmire Roofer
  • "Let's get our parameters straight here: Are we talking about the kind of Mexicans who get into knife fights, or the kind that smile and refill your drink?"

    Marty Clash Electrician
  • "So Bush is not offering amnesty, but he is allowing them to work. And this is a bold stance because...?"

    Richard Nelson Stockbroker
  • "If the Mexicans are legalized, they can still be exploited, right?"

    Donna Gold Researcher

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