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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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Legalizing Pot In Canada

Last week, a Canadian parliamentary committee recommended that the government legalize the use of marijuana. What do you think?
  • "If they do legalize pot, they're gonna be the world's number-one economic power in no time, 'cause you can make anything out of hemp."

    Dan Zorn Cashier
  • "The last thing we need is a glut of web sites explaining how, if you watch Strange Brew while listening to Rush's 2112, it all matches up."

    Erin Parker Biologist
  • "I just hope no marijuana slips into the U.S."

    Doris Atkinson Librarian
  • "I'm gonna toke up, sit back, and watch the geese."

    Bob Edwards Lawyer
  • "Yeah, I heard about that. They're doing the same thing in Canada."

    Cameron Davis Welder
  • "They're legalizing pot, plus they already have free health care and almost no crime? Now, why exactly do we always make fun of them, again?"

    Eric Donald Systems <br>Analyst

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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