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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.

Most Anticipated Panels At Comic-Con

San Diego Comic-Con kicks off tomorrow, and this year’s schedule is packed with must-see events. Here are the most highly-anticipated panels of Comic-Con 2017.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
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Lego Introduces First Female Scientist Figure

Lego, which has been accused of marketing their products almost exclusively to boys and playing into gender stereotypes, introduced its first female scientist Minifigure this week, though the ratio of male to female figures in the Lego universe remains roughly 4 to 1. What do you think?

  • “But how will young women deal with the pressure of getting that perfect brick-like body and interconnected head?”

    Calvin Goode Pavement Sealer
  • “Do they include the cosmetics laboratory where she works?”

    Elmer Choi Historical Society Administrator
  • “I’ve got a town full of Lego men who are going to be real happy about that.”

    Casper Faires Botanist

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