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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Lennon, 25 Years Gone

Today marks the 25th anniversary of the death of John Lennon. What do you think?
  • "I can't believe it's been 25 years already. It seems like only yesterday that Lennon was dead for nine years."

    Jesse Robbins Actuary
  • "It's too bad he couldn't live to see himself in an ad for Apple."

    Nate McConarty Corrections Officer
  • "Damn. Now there's going to be another special edition of Catcher In the Rye, and I'll have to get this one, too."

    Phoebe Plagens Guest Services

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