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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Leonardo DiCaprio Auctions Off Trip To Space With Him

At the annual Foundation for Aids Research auction on Thursday, Leonardo DiCaprio auctioned off a trip accompanying him to outer space in 2015 for more than $1 million. What do you think?

  • “I’m a little short on cash. How much to go with Casey Affleck?”

    Barry Conover Systems Analyst
  • “But 2015 is when I’m going to the center of the earth with Robert Redford.”

    Elizabeth Morin Line Cook
  • “I don’t have that kind of money, but I can toss in my Aviator 2 script, which will make 10 times that if done right.”

    Perry Granger Slaughterhouse Supervisor

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