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Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

God Deploys 100,000 More Mosquitoes To U.S.

THE HEAVENS—Directing the reinforcements to areas that had suffered heavy casualties, God, Our Heavenly Father, ordered the deployment of 100,000 more mosquitoes to the United States, sources confirmed Monday.
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Leonardo DiCaprio Auctions Off Trip To Space With Him

At the annual Foundation for Aids Research auction on Thursday, Leonardo DiCaprio auctioned off a trip accompanying him to outer space in 2015 for more than $1 million. What do you think?

  • “I’m a little short on cash. How much to go with Casey Affleck?”

    Barry Conover Systems Analyst
  • “But 2015 is when I’m going to the center of the earth with Robert Redford.”

    Elizabeth Morin Line Cook
  • “I don’t have that kind of money, but I can toss in my Aviator 2 script, which will make 10 times that if done right.”

    Perry Granger Slaughterhouse Supervisor

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