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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Letterman Apologizes To Palin

Talk show host David Letterman apologized to Alaska governor Sarah Palin for insinuating her daughter was impregnated at a New York Yankees game. What do you think?
  • "I think Letterman should have waited a couple weeks to be sure she really wasn't impregnated at the game.”

    Karen Borden Technical Illustrator
  • "How could he make such a callous joke when the governor is only now getting over her unwed teen daughter's breakup after trotting both her and the father of her baby around on the campaign trail for two months as paragons of responsibility and virtue?"

    Brent Siefert Plumber
  • "Wait a minute. You mean there's a Palin daughter out there who's not pregnant? I'll be right back."

    Terry Reinhard Systems Analyst
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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