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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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Levi Strauss CEO: Stop Washing Your Jeans

Speaking at a sustainability conference Tuesday, Levi Strauss CEO Chip Bergh told consumers that washing jeans is an unnecessary process that wastes water, and instead recommended placing jeans in the freezer to kill germs. What do you think?

  • “Yeah, that all sounds way easier.”

    Scott Metzstein Prosecuting Attorney
  • “Good! There’s nothing quite like pulling a fresh pair of jeans right from the freezer.”

    Will Hauldren Unemployed
  • “That’s all right. I’m okay wasting the water.”

    Kristen Wennerholm Education Consultant

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