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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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  • More News

Lie-Detector Tests For Congress

The FBI wants members of Congress to take lie-detector tests in an investigation of leaked information regarding the Sept. 11 attacks. What do you think?
  • "I only support lie-detector tests for lawmakers if the questions are funny and embarrassing."

    John Pulliam Forklift Operator
  • "I hope they also get to the bottom of who has been taking Sen. Hagel's Diet Cokes from the fridge. It happened again today."

    Tom Allenby Senator
  • Young Woman "At last, Stage Three: out-of-control finger-pointing."

    Robyn Saunders Graduate <br>Student
  • "Are we going to treat our legislators like common white-collar criminals?"

    Dana <br>Wertheimer Homemaker
  • "Each time one of these lie-detector tests is given, it costs taxpayers $12,000. Okay, I just totally lied about that."

    Richard Leach Systems <br>Analyst
  • "All along, I've been saying Congress was involved in Sept. 11. But did anyone listen? No. Instead, I'm just dismissed as that crazy guy who lives under the overpass and shits in a KFC bucket."

    Edgar Wigand Unemployed

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