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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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Life After Michael

With Michael Jordan closing out what could be his last season, the NBA may soon have to face life without its biggest draw and greatest ambassador. What do you think about such a prospect?
  • "I will not watch NBA games when Michael Jordan retires. He is the only one who puts the ball in the hoop in a manner I enjoy."

    Jennifer Croydon Waitress
  • "I can't believe the NBA is going to retire Jordan. It's just another sad example of how the black man is mistreated in our society."

    Wayne Eccles Systems Analyst
  • "Perhaps the NBA could make up for the inevitable loss of revenue by selling some sort of merchandise."

    Richard Hooton Cinematographer
  • "Michael introduced me to something amazing, something I enjoy far more than anything else in the world—shooting kids for their shoes."

    Robert Zahn Electrician
  • "The real question is: What will the NBA do when Jud Buechler retires?"

    Aaron Milburn Telemarketer
  • "No one can take Michael's place: Shaquille O'Neal's commercials totally suck."

    Amanda Platt Graduate Student
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