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Life After Michael

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Director Has Clear Vision Of How Studio Will Destroy Movie

LOS ANGELES—Saying he can already picture exactly what the finished cut will look like on the big screen, Hollywood film director Paul Stanton told reporters Wednesday he has a clear vision of how studio executives will totally destroy his upcoming movie.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

ARIES: Once the laughter dies down, the party favors are put away, and the monkeys led back inside their cages, you’ll finally be given a chance to explain your side of the story.

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.
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Life After Michael

With Michael Jordan closing out what could be his last season, the NBA may soon have to face life without its biggest draw and greatest ambassador. What do you think about such a prospect?
  • "I will not watch NBA games when Michael Jordan retires. He is the only one who puts the ball in the hoop in a manner I enjoy."

    Jennifer Croydon Waitress
  • "I can't believe the NBA is going to retire Jordan. It's just another sad example of how the black man is mistreated in our society."

    Wayne Eccles Systems Analyst
  • "Perhaps the NBA could make up for the inevitable loss of revenue by selling some sort of merchandise."

    Richard Hooton Cinematographer
  • "Michael introduced me to something amazing, something I enjoy far more than anything else in the world—shooting kids for their shoes."

    Robert Zahn Electrician
  • "The real question is: What will the NBA do when Jud Buechler retires?"

    Aaron Milburn Telemarketer
  • "No one can take Michael's place: Shaquille O'Neal's commercials totally suck."

    Amanda Platt Graduate Student

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