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Life After Saddam

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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Life After Saddam

With war imminent, President Bush and others are already discussing plans for a post-Saddam, U.S.-occupied Iraq. What do you think?
  • "I'm sure there are plenty of ambitious young despots out there who would jump at the chance to rule Iraq."

    Andrea Crim Teacher
  • "I just hope we don't see a repeat of that mess we made a few years back when we tried to install an American ruler in America."

    Bruce Wollensky Attorney
  • "Can't we just get CNN to run the place?"

    Martin Baines Systems Analyst
  • "Whatever happens, someone should be there to film the most touching moments."

    Meredith Hall Psychologist
  • "We should ask ourselves what we would want if Iraq was occupying the U.S."

    Ken Franklin Bus Driver
  • "Oh, man, we're not gonna make Iraq the 51st state, are we?"

    Dennis Doering Landscaper

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