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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Life Expectancy Falls

A study at the Harvard Global Health Initiative shows that, for a segment of the population, life expectancy is lower now that in was in the early '80s. What do you think?
  • "Wow, I'm glad my grandma died in the '80s!"

    Marvin Prieboy Makeup Salesperson
  • "Let's keep working to get it even lower. People over 30 make me sad."

    Kelly Ridgeway Systems Analyst
  • "Oh yeah? Well then how do you explain my mother, who was alive during both decades?"

    Richard Moreland Hunting Guide

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