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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Life Spans Fall For Low-Educated Whites

While the lives of the nation’s most highly educated have lengthened, the life expectancy for white Americans without a high school diploma has, since 1990, dropped by five years for women and three years for men, to 73.5 and 67.5 respectively. What do you think?

  • “Being white is hard.”

    Alexander Zelenev Truck Stop Proprietor
  • “Maybe they live just as long as everyone else, but they can’t count the years.”

    Hannah Wheeler Risk Management Specialist
  • “How much education do you need to not die?”

    Carter Oswald Pedicab Driver

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