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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Light Exposure Could Help With Jet Lag

Scientists have found that exposing a sleeping person to bursts of flashing light can trick their brain into adjusting its circadian rhythm, a potential breakthrough in combatting jet lag. What do you think?

  • “The inconveniences of business travelers are among the most pressing issues we face as a nation today.”

    Marion Flack Yogurt Thickener
  • “This sounds promising, but I’m worried that there will be hell to pay if my brain figures out I’m trying to trick it.”

    Justin Dooley Water Rationer
  • “Jet lag has never been a problem for me. I always feel fine after three or four days.”

    Aidan Olsted Belt Reinforcer

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