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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Light Exposure Could Help With Jet Lag

Scientists have found that exposing a sleeping person to bursts of flashing light can trick their brain into adjusting its circadian rhythm, a potential breakthrough in combatting jet lag. What do you think?

  • “The inconveniences of business travelers are among the most pressing issues we face as a nation today.”

    Marion Flack Yogurt Thickener
  • “This sounds promising, but I’m worried that there will be hell to pay if my brain figures out I’m trying to trick it.”

    Justin Dooley Water Rationer
  • “Jet lag has never been a problem for me. I always feel fine after three or four days.”

    Aidan Olsted Belt Reinforcer
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