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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Light Exposure Could Help With Jet Lag

Scientists have found that exposing a sleeping person to bursts of flashing light can trick their brain into adjusting its circadian rhythm, a potential breakthrough in combatting jet lag. What do you think?

  • “The inconveniences of business travelers are among the most pressing issues we face as a nation today.”

    Marion Flack Yogurt Thickener
  • “This sounds promising, but I’m worried that there will be hell to pay if my brain figures out I’m trying to trick it.”

    Justin Dooley Water Rationer
  • “Jet lag has never been a problem for me. I always feel fine after three or four days.”

    Aidan Olsted Belt Reinforcer
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