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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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'Lincoln' Leads With 12 Oscar Nominations

The Steven Spielberg film Lincoln led the pack this year with 12 Academy Award nominations, including Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Actor for Daniel Day-Lewis. What do you think?

  • “Well, I’ll wait and see if it wins all 12 before I commit to watching.”

    Kent Lipschultz Veterans’ Counselor
  • “I’m not sure. The fact that I haven’t seen or even heard of Amour means it probably has the best chance of winning.”

    Hank Durst Knuckle Strap Sewer
  • “I’ve stopped paying attention since Agnes Moorehead was snubbed for Hush…Hush, Sweet Charlotte in 1964.”

    Sandy Hooper Torque Tester

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