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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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LinkedIn Passwords Hacked

The professional social-networking site LinkedIn announced that some of its passwords had been leaked in a security breach. What do you think?

  • “Oh, no! That means someone might have gained access to all my public information.”

    Marty Katt Narcotics Investigator
  • "Enjoy reading the names of my work acquaintances while you still can, villains."

    Dean Wendt Chemical-Strength Tester
  • “I want to hear why the hackers did it, because they seem to be the only ones who see any value in my damn LinkedIn page.”

    Geri Moll Unemployed

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