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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Lions, Tigers Killed In Ohio

After a man in Zanesville, OH released 56 exotic creatures—including lions, tigers, bears, and monkeys—and then took his own life, sheriff's deputies were forced to hunt down and in most cases kill the animals. What do you think?

  • "Will they be selling the meat? The man's, I mean. I could never eat an elephant."

    Brandi Washburn Systems Analust
  • "The guy could've killed two birds with one stone if he had just let the animals maul him a little on their way out."

    Lou Taylor Raveler
  • "'What kind of idiot opens a taxidermy shop in Zanesville?' they all said. Well, ha, ha, suckers!"

    Scott Ludington Taxidermist

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